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18 jun 06 "What would you request as your last meal?" roast turkey, cherry tarts, and buttered toast. just kidding. that was a line from some fairy tale LP record i used to listen to when i was very small. sounds sort of bland, actually. why is it my last meal? i suppose the assumption is that i'm being executed. i was thinking i might try to transcend body pleasures for a more meaningful, spiritual final experience, and request a tic-tac. but, that's not the spirit of the question. a person might think the question really asks: "what is your favorite meal?", but i think the fact that it's my last meal is intended to affect my choice. any last meal dwelled upon and carefully selected would be depressing and disappointing, no matter what it was -- perhaps more so if it were glamorous and tasty. but then again, if i were to go the ascetic rout and eat, say, plain tofu squares, i might think to myself "i should have ordered eggplant parmesan...what was i thinking, forgoing my last chance for sensory joy as a living entity? what's the purpose of life if not that?" the best solution is to hang myself from the prison window bars with my bedsheet before being transferred to death row. this question is depressing. i'd probably elect to skip my last meal, which is, of course, a logical impossibility. what i mean is that if someone like the prison chaplain asked me "what would you like for your last meal?" i'd say, "i'd prefer to fast". of course, if i had this all planned out in advance, then i'd know the meal before that would be my "last meal". however, a lifetime of snacking all day in front of the TV rather than having formalized meals helps ensure that there won't be any incidentally significant "meal"; hopefully, i wouldn't even notice my last bit of food. maybe the safest bet would be to bring a bag of cheetohs to the holding cell, and be munching on them. but even then, there'd be the last bit of cheetoh residue licked from my fingers. however, i maintain that "i'd prefer to fast" is the least depressing option. otherwise, i'd feel as though some special meaning or significance must be attached to this meal, and no matter what choice i made i'd feel that i had fouled it up, or had missed an opportunity for the best final experience. this seems to me like a trap to avoid, and i think it's best to skip the last meal and "die on an empty stomach." i wonder where that phrase came from. research is in order. results are inconclusive, but the consensus seems to be that it's a bad thing. i disagree. now i'm putting myself in that mental location, trying to dive deeper into it. perhaps i'd be so forlorn that if someone, even the cold face of the state, offered to give me something as a final gesture of kindness, i'd take it. but i don't know what i'd order. "if you were to die by firing squad, what would be your cigarette brand of choice?" if i were going sentimental: camel lights. if i were going epicurian: drumm. ascetic: candy cigar. if for some reason i was totally at peace and was just going to die as a matter of course, and the final meal had no significance whatsoever in my own mind or otherwise, i'd probably go for something ethnic. my cliche is becoming "indian food," so maybe i'd forgo that. i hate to mention my friend alpesh d. gor once again (in fact the question that precedes this one was concerned solely with him), but his dad's chicken is just about the best thing. so, i'd probably have dilip whip me up a bucket. now, of course, i'm thinking about sentimetallity, and that i might like to have my dad's chili or my mom's shrimp pizza. but, that'd be depressing too, although maybe it'd be sort of nice in a sweet, sad way. nicer, anyway, than having to decide on a meal based on some bourgeouis food aesthetic that really doesn't have a place in a moment as self-reflective and personal as pre-execution. so, the answer is complicated. it's either 1) deliberately crappy food, 2) no food at all, 3) yummy food, 4) sentimental food, or 5) something completely different. maybe it varies depending on the method of execution (electric chair = grilled ribs, firing squad = jalapeno pepper poppers, saddam hussein's meat shredder = sloppy joes, burning at the stake = lebanese kabob, lethal injection = chinese cold jellyfish, etc). sorry to be so morbid and disgusting, but it's really the fault of the person asking the question. you know who you are. for shame. |
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