Ask the Box

19 jun 06

"What's the best place to take someone on a first date, where one needs deniability that it was a date in the first place should things go awry?  A crypto-date, if you will."

i'm not qualfied to teach by example, but i'll use my razor-sharp intuition on evolutionary psychology and sociology to guide you to success.

just about the only thing we have to bear in mind is western culture, which is hegemonous worldwide, except in the case of arranged marriages. but, we're not dealing with those, so i digress.

first of all, there are two venues that are unambiguously associated with dating: dinner and movie (or both). however, selection of a sufficiently original venue in that genre (bizarre czech silent films on the subject of "despair" made in 1919, southwestern fruitarian cameroonian restaurants, etc) can potentially trump the "date like" qualities of either, while not necessarily trumping them, which i believe is what you're seeking, however midguidedly. this is a good compromise between "friendly outing" and "date". if there are no original, memorable restaurants or movies, and no other interetsing non-date-like venues, within 30 miles, then one might pick a normal dinner and/or a normal movie, and allow other clues and messages deliver the "this is not a date" message. or the "this is a date" message. "this might be a date, but i'm not telling which." what are you trying to do to yourself, here?

use the necessity of choosing a unique venue as an opportunity to pick something you'd actually like doing, unless it's playing video games. "hey, there's this new exhibit at the museum i read about (yeah, right), and wanted to go see. would you like to come along? we can grab lunch later if you're interested". still, maybe she'll be into video games. who knows, these days?

i'm assuming your goal is to "convince her that it's a date, but if i don't manage to do so, provide a believable excuse in the form of a non-dating-associated venue." this is sort of a bad thing to do, if what you'd really like is a date. if you are too careful about preserving ambiguity as an embarrassment or other safety net, then you're going to communicate that message, and absolutely all hope of being seen as a sexual partner will be lost. i'm afraid this happens to too many guys -- if they meet a girl and want her, sexually, but are afraid of rejection, then they are going to try to come across as "just a friend", just in case, and will wind up preserving some hollow shell of the relationship they'd hoped to attain. this is the makings of a miserable friendship.

this might be easier if i think on the positive side -- how to make it a date: what behaviors on an outing would convince the other party that it is, indeed, a date? ie, setting the stage for eventual sexual intercourse (let's not kid ourselves, here). of course, this is complicated by the asker's wanting to have his cake and eat it to, so to speak; he wants it to seem like a date, but then seem like not a date just in case. so, does he send sex messages or not? send deliberately ambiguous messages? this is the woman's job -- if a man does this to a woman, she might think of him as another woman.

if we bear in mind that "SEX" is the primary thing to (not?) get across, albeit in an inoffensive (culturally determined to be so, of course) way, then several messages communicating this should be sufficient to get an unconscious message across. for instance: picking her up, paying for stuff, holding doors open, incidental flirtatious touching (within reason), and the infamous "kiss goodnight". i'm going to replace "kiss" with "contact", because sometimes your counterpart will resist a kiss -- you don't have to be so blatant to get the "SEX" message across. a hug will do it, a kiss on the cheek, gentle squeezing of the hand, gentle squeezing of the shoulder. if you're after compromise (which i really don't recommend), then maybe hold most of the doors open, and slam a few on her face. give her a "goodbye friendly punch on the shoulder", a little too hard. do you see the pitfalls here? it's either a date or it's not -- if you're trying to take this odd middle path you're suggesting for yourself, then i'm quite sure you're going to guarantee the outcome of "he doesn't think of me that way...it was not a date".

make your intentions known. that's how many feel a man is supposed to act -- no second guessing, straightforward, having no issues, etc. most women like this. so, if you want a date, make it a date by doing all of the things i recommend to convince her it's a date, and not doing those things i recommend to convince her it's not.

one could also rely on unconscious messages, or the lack thereof. basically, think about sex with your date the entire night, and look at her with lust in your eyes. still smile, still talk, be witty, funny, etc, but always keep that in the back of your head: "i want to mate with this human". unconscious body and vocal gestures in you will manifest, and will be unconsciously interpreted.

but my big piece of advice, ignoring your question for a moment, is don't attempt to make it a non-date if you want it to be a date; it's unfortunately very easy to be sucessful here. the girl will think "oh...he doesn't think of me that way" (even though pretty much all guys think of all girls that way, especially their 'friends'), and pull a quick conceptual "snip-snip" on you, so fast you won't even notice. horrible.

but if you insist, and want to set it up so that she'll likely think it's a date, but if for some reason she doesn't, you can agree with her and say "yeah, you're right...it wasn't a date" (why would you do this? why??), i guess i'd take some middle path. maybe take her to ~DA CLUB~, and dance along side her, sort of ambiguously dancing with her, but not really. smile and talk and occasionally touch, but try not to do it in a romantic way.

i have to assume for one minute that you're not as cynical about relationships as i am, and what you meant by your question was "how do i turn it into a non-date if it turns out we don't find each other attractive, but i want to preserve the friendship"? if you do this, you are insane, because you are attracted to her now, or else you wouldn't be hoping that it will be perceived as a date.

but, i'll answer your question without value judgement: avoid date-like behavior (dinner + movie, thinking of sex while you look at her, touching, paying for dinner, holding doors open, walking close to her, goodbye kisses/hugs/whatever). except that you do want her to think it's a date.

please don't do this, or you are guaranteed not to get the desired result, whether it turns out you continue to be attracted to her or not. and, unless she confesses to being a member of the nazi party, has a facial prosthesis, or leprosy, if you were sufficiently attracted to her to be considering this whole business, you will continue to be.

but, your question was simple: what's a good venue for a date that helps make it unclear whether or not it's a date? i'd say ~DA CLUB~. friends go to ~DA CLUB~ all the time, and you can alter your dancing style as necessary.