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22 jun 06 "How do I get stubborn stains out of my upholstery?" don't think about them -- alter your own reality, and they will disappear. the universe doesn't exist beyond or outside of consciousness. when you are no longer conscious of the stains, they will cease to exist. does a stain falling in the forest make a sound if there is no one to hear it? or: cover them with some sort of decorative blanket thingy. i used to do this. or: take off your cushion covers, and have them dry-cleaned. i was going to do this, but never got around to it. or: get some kool-aid or something, and apply various other stains around the original one(s), so it looks like it was all a purposeful plan to make artistic furniture. or: get new cushions. or: get a new sofa (or loveseat, or whatever). or: burn your house down. i think the people who spend time getting stubborn stains out of their upholstery, and/or worrying about it in general -- the general concept of "stain removal" enters their minds -- do so because they like to. they like to live this way, in their world of unimportant, anal-compulsive minutiae, and if confronted with the fact that stain removal doesn't even register the tiniest blip on the cosmic radar, their world view and ego would disintegrate around them, leaving a hollow shell of a person, curled in the fetal position on the floor next to the upholstered sofa, cackling madly and drooling into the growing puddle which surrounds their bobbing and trembling head. someone might answer back "i do it (remove stubborn stains) because it makes me feel better to have them out, and i don't want people to see them. who the hell are you, you snotty little prick, to tell me i'm 'right or 'wrong' in what i choose to do? what kind of moralizing nonsense is that? get off your high horse, riding around and force feeding people unconstructive criticism for the sole purpose of bolstering your totally unfounded sense of superiorty." i can't argue with this. in my opinion, and for me, removing stubborn stains from my upholstery is unimportant. but, i'm not anyone to judge someone for whom it is important, and say "you are a shallow, idiotic person because you care about dumb things like that." my first impulse might be to think it, but i know better than to be so judgemental. besides, i do lots of shallow, unimportant things related to aesthetics -- for instance, every piece of artwork i've ever done. that said, i'm not sure why some things are accepted as artistic expression while some things aren't. can getting stubborn stains out of upholstery be a form of artistic expression, if it's done with passion and done according to some platonic ideal? stubborn stain removal rides precariously on the boundary-rope between life and art. if you have rust stains on your couch, you may as well kill yourself, because apparently they are just about the most difficult stain in the world to remove. permanent markers and inks are up there, too, of course. here is a guide on how to remove stains, by type. one night, while delivering chicken, i was given some to eat in the car for my dinner. i dumped about a quart of barbeque sauce on it, and was eating it without a tray, box, plate, etc, while i drove a manual transmission. i was basically soaked in barbeque sauce by the time i got back to the restaurant -- not only was it all over the front of my shirt, but my face, hands, goatee, steering wheel, and gearshift. i didn't even have a napkin, so i wetted my hands with spit and tried to wipe them on the passenger seat while i drove back. but usually, if i spill something on myself, i go through a set procedure to help ensure that it doesn't stain. i always do the same thing: scrape whatever of the spill up that i can. get the area soaking wet. scrub away with something (usually a wad of paper towels). then, i figure i've done all i can do, and whether or not the fabric in question stains is up to the allmighty. i have some stains on my shirts, needless to say, and they're more noticable than i like to pretend they are. i'm sure the same holds true of my upholstery. get new furniture or learn to live with it, i'd say. stains that have been there for aeons aren't going to come out, in most cases. |
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