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09 jul 06 "Which is the worst movie you've ever seen care to comment on Mortal Kombat II and Street Fighter?" there is a critical punctuation problem here. "Which is the worst movie you've ever seen? Care to comment on Mortal Kombat II and Street Fighter?" nothing jumps into the place of "the worst movie i've ever seen", even though a few candidates are coming to mind. i think i'm like most people in that a bad movie is a forgettable movie. if it's "so bad that it's good", then, tautologically, it wasn't that bad. one of the candidates is the low-budget, straight-to-video version of frank herbert's sci-fi novel "dune", starring william hurt, and titled "frank herbert's dune" (as opposed to just "dune"). it was truer-to-form than the 1985 david lynch version, in a literal way and as the title suggests, because it incorporated all of the minute details in the novel that david lynch wisely avoided because...well...because he was directing a movie. it's 265 minutes long, which is just inexcusable; i fast-forwarded through maybe three quarters of it. so closely replicating the novel, bit for bit, requires long, tedious scenes of dialog -- i felt like i was listening to a board meeting. the costumes are awful, too. i actually thought the novel was pretty bad, especially compared to 1985's "dune" movie, which i have memorized ("what do you call the mouse-shadow in the second moon?" "we call that one....m'uad d'ib." "could i be known as.........paul m'uad d'ib?" "you are paul m'uad d'ib"). it's incredibly cheesy, but in a really good way. it's one of my all time favorite movies, ironically, considering my feelings on "frank herbert's dune". my world is polarized by "dune". i notice costumes and soundtrack more than most people, i think. all of the really good movies have great soundtracks: sling blade, dead man walking, the terminator, etc. i have the terminator soundtrack on CD. i'm going to listen to it now, in fact. another possible "worst movie" is "the seventh seal", a dreary ingmar bergman flick where death appears to someone and says some stuff, then some people do some stuff, etc. it's supposed to be brilliant, great, existential, life-changing, etc, but i can't get over the horrible sound, black-and-white-ness, horrible costumes, subtitles, and swedish-ness. the scenery and cinematography in the beginning is sort of cool, with the water and rocks and whatnot. but it's unremarkable and consists of various thatched huts later on, as well as some really pathetic juggling. a court jester, village idiot, or something or other in the movie juggles to demonstrate his identity, but the actor doesn't know how. so, he just holds two beanbags in one hand, and tosses-and-catches one at a time, over and over. that really bothered me, for some reason. i tried to get into "the seventh seal" so i could feel all smart and cool, but i couldn't sit through 20 minutes. bad movie, as far as i'm concerned. i wonder if a remake would be better. i fear remakes, based on the tragedy that is "frank herbert's dune". when i was five or so and saw walt disney's "the song of the south", i found it to be so bad that i left the theater with my dad, who felt the same way. even then, i couldn't abide by pointless singing and dancing in a movie. i'm the same way now -- whenever there's a "music video" in a movie, i cringe. you know what i'm talking about -- that segment in the movie where the dialog stops, and the character is shown on some kind of mission or extended activity, while music plays in the background. many, many movies feature this; think of "rocky", when he's on his training run. i'm somewhat willing to forgive music videos in movies if the accompanying music is actually good, but i'd still rather not have them. "street fighter" and "mortal kombat" (both based on video games) weren't memorably bad. they were probably horrible, but they didn't register on my conscious radar. all i remember about mortal kombat is that "syndel", some deadly ancient sorceress, was wearing purple spandex bicycle shorts. i don't remember street fighter at all, except that i suspect jean claude van damme of starring in it. let's confirm... ...yes. horrible. after bloodsport ("chong li! chong li!"), the jean claude machine started generating some real stinkers (such as "double impact"). steven seagal had the same problem, after "hard to kill". as his movies went down the tubes, steven seagal got fatter and fatter, exacerbating the piggishness of those already piggish, squinty eyes. i don't know why he has to deliver his lines in that rasping whisper, and he looks like a real guido in his pony tail. i intensly dislike steven seagal. |
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