A Blog-like Entity

14 dec 06

do you think a master cleansing diet would give me a better looking ass than angelina jolie?

i googled around a little bit for `angelina jolie ass` and `best ass` and `great ass` and etc, and i saw pretty much the same thing; i wasn't sure what made one ass better than another, except for lighting, clothing, etc. they were all nice asses; an ass can only be so nice. then i realized that when someone talks about a "great ass" on a woman, he (or she, hopefully, in this case) is really thinking of the entire waist-hip-ass structure, well-prepared to frame childbirth and present visual signals to australopolicathes wanting to do it doggie-style.

[slowly, his mouse creeps up to select the words "master cleansing diet". control-c. he grimly casts his eyes down the screen to the "firefox" button on the taskbar. click. again in the google toolbar's search box. control-v. he closes his eyes, gives a little sigh, feels the heat from the lamp behind him and the soreness in his hips from sitting, and he hits the enter key. his brain kicks into "scan search results" mode, as his eyes flicker down the results screen while he scrolls down. ...Master Cleanser...helps to eliminates toxins...lemonade...most delicious, effective cleansing...utilizing a colon cleanser as a way to lose weight...the fastest and most effective way to...lemonade diet (lemonade fast) has been around close to 50 years...woman who detoxified her body...healthy tissue growth... he gives a long sigh, gives a few gurgles, and clicks back over to his text editor screen. he thinks about writing something based on that cursory scan, but then feels a twinge of guilt. he navigates back to the search results with an annoyed grunt, and clicks on the first link. he reads.]

from that first site:

• One Calgary woman, crippled with multiple sclerosis, got up and walked away from her wheelchair after having done 131 consecutive days on the Master Cleanser.
• One of my clients put his mother on the diet and on her eighth day an old scar from gall bladder surgery opened up, draining pus and releasing a stitch that bad been left in her body 22 years earlier.
• Two of my clients with endometriosis were told they were sterile, both of them later became pregnant after cleansing and receiving a colon lift.
• One man in Alberta, after only three days on the Master Cleanser, evolved a hinge-joint in his penis and was able to do 5 pull-ups on a roadside fence before police took him into custody.

the master cleanser is a juice fast -- nothing new about it. people have been doing it for centuries. it's suppposed to be good for you, except advocates get a little new-agey about it, which is off-putting. but i've considered trying it out, just to see what happens, except i'd be afraid of collapsing. plus, i'm taking all of this medication, so i dunno. it's not going to do anything for your waist-hip ratio, however, dear reader, unless you were on the diet for years and years, and had some nice bone structure under the fat and muscle that would melt away long before your death from malnutrition.

"master cleanser" isn't going to change your bone structure, or even your muscular structure -- you're either angelina jolie, or you ain't. sorry, sistah. everyone looks better when they're in shape, but it doesn't seem that the master cleanser diet is intended as a weight loss regimen, and it's certainly not going to build up your glutes (ass muscles). however, it would certainly help you lose weight if you did it long enough (as would the "all-vodka master cleanser diet").

but it might be good for you anyway, even though i have yet to hear a scientific or even medical explanation of how fasting is good for someone ("it releases all of the toxins" doesn't count). i suppose i say give it a try, and see what happens, although i must make it clear that i'm not legally responsible if you turn into a lemon or anything like that. my guess is that the best benefit of fasting is the mental clarity, which is something i've experienced when eating very little (yes, there have been times, if rare).

oh, by the way -- the first page of the site laid it all out. basically, you drink a concoction of water, lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper (yum) all day, every day, and then some laxative tea in the evenings to get the bowels churning. it's really pretty disgusting. anyway, you do this for ten days, and then your amputation heals itself.

but yeah -- i'm thinking of trying it too. if i do, i'll let you know how it goes -- if i freak out and start digging a hole off in the state park or something like that, you'll be the first to know.