A Blog-like Entity

23 dec 06

Do you miss someone?

i miss everyone the way they used to be, then, when then was then. i miss then. i miss the past. sometimes i pull out little mental versions of the people i used to know, and they comment on something relevent or give me advice, or laugh at one of my jokes. but they're not really there; i miss them. i'm "living in the past", as some people like to call it.

but no, literally, i don't generally miss people. quite rarely i'll actually get lonely and feel like i want some company, and then i'll see whom i can call who's generally receptive to random phone calls. but these instances don't pop up all that often. usually i'm content to be alone. i'm going to miss my mother when she dies.

you know what yoda says:

The fear of loss is a path to the dark side. Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those who transform into the force. Miss them do not, mourn them do not. Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed that is.

i dunno about the whole "transformed into the force" bit, but other than that it's sound advice.

so i'm doing the whole "mildly mentally ill young adult" thing -- enrolled in the whole package: going to semi-menial school half time, going to semi-menial work half time, living at home, and enjoying a really limited social network. i've observed this paradigm before. the more i think about my javascript final exam on thursday, the more i really don't want to study for it at all. i can basically fail it and still get a "B". i think i'm going to end up with "B"s in both classes, which is indicative of "not really caring" at the community college level.

community colleges are composed of hungry foreign-born eager to pad their income or embark on a great career ladder ascension, semi-retarded and/or irredeemably bizarre white people, and then a batch of incoming 18 year olds who sign up after high school because they were too stupid and/or unambitious to apply to a four-year college in the state university system. some end up transferring, some get filtered off into the void. some become the aforementioned immigrant jobbies. some become the aforementioned dumb white people. it's a pretty sad scene, but you can find people to talk to, if you're desperate.

i'm hoping next semester is more inspiring than this one has been -- two classes, each only once a night per week, for what's supposed to be 2 hours and 40 minutes, but ends up more like 2 hours and 5 minutes. we sit there and listen to a power point presentation, falling asleep at our chairs. well, at least i do. and then i learn, sort of, the concepts from my javascript book, which is actually pretty decent, as far as textbooks go, on the day before the next class. so it gets me really out of practice -- i think definitely two or three times a week, in the morning, would be better for my absorption and enjoyment. also, a prof who knows what he's talking about might help.

i really don't feel like reviewing, even though i'm afraid i really do need one. but i'm burned out on javascript, and i'm just gong to jump into the open-book exam and hope i do all right. i hope there aren't arrays included in the "hands on" portion. there probably will be. i actually screwed up the final for my other class a little bit, but i think i still may have done all right. A or B in the class, at any rate. long gone are the days of me getting either 'A"s or 'F's -- now, it's right down the middle.

but i really do think a lot of it was these two classes, the way they were taught, and their meeting time. i wouldn't be shocked beyond believe if i got a "C" in "advanced web development". teehee. well, this is partly explainable by my missing two classes in a row (two weeks, essentially), a period of time which included the midterm exam. i had dropped the class because my sweatshop employer wouldn't allow me to work less than 35-40 hours a week, with only one day off. but then i got fired/quit (ambiguous), and so i then asked my prof if i could re-add. he said "ok", and that he would take my final grade as a double for the midterm that i missed. but i really didn't learn much in that class. i just hope i do reasonably ok in it. largely pointless class, though. knew most of it already, and that which i didn't i didn't care to learn. plus i physically missed big gaping chunks of it, because i was being forced to deliver chicken 6 days a week.

next semester will be better. i really don't like javascript. i'm thinking i should be taking art classes instead. or just becoming a crackhead in the gutter. something. i don't want to deliver pizzas anymore -- it's stressful, demeaning, and mostly uninteresting. i want a good job. it's like that aspiring square in "sid and nancy" (the sex pistols movie) singing to sid a line from the punk song he wrote:

job, I want a job, I want a good job. I want a job -- one that satisfies my artistic needs!

pizza driving sometimes satisfies them, but really not too often. it would more satisfy my artistic needs to be suspended in a sensory deprivation tank for a month, and then have my atrophied muscles supply massaged back to electroconductivity by a beautiful dark-eyed nurse with breasts spilling out of the top of her white, loosely-buttoned collar, like...something. there really aren't any good non-trite imagery-metaphors for "breasts". and don't tell me "eggplants".

so anyway, i miss something, but i don't know what it is. maybe eggplants. existence is just stupid, pointless, mildly unpleasant.