I don't know why I don't just stop blogging. I no longer care about it (or anything else). But I feel this obligation to keep writing stuff down. My anger keeps getting in my way. I can't have a debate-like discussion with anyone, because I just get too angry, and this gets in the way of my reason. People 'win' arguments against me, even when they're wrong, just because I can't use reason and logic properly, because the presence of another fucking human being makes me too angry. Emotions are a weakness and a liability for me.
I've decided a few things:
Fuck off. I'm going to start hitting people when they piss me off. And the interesting thing about that is that I don't have some stupid boxing affectation to nurture -- I don't impotently hammer away at opponents with blunt fists at non-vital targets. If I hit you, it'll most likely be in the eye, throat or testicles.
Nothing to say today, really, except that the best sentence with which to practice your scottish accent is 'macgregor and the headbutters went to the fruit stand.'
Today, I pick james up from dulles airport, and then go with him to national airport to pick up his fiancee. I hope to get lunch out of it.
I am single-minded of purpose and deadly.
I'm starting to feel a little bit less depressed now that autumn is just around the corner; I think I have reverse-SAD. But maybe I can start blogging again, even though I really don't think I can talk about theories on universal spirituality anymore, or any sort of theories, for that matter. I'm all tapped out, as they say. From this day forth, this blog will be intermittent and banal.
I find that I do a lot of incidental writing, on the SDF bbs, in chatrooms, or over AIM. Here's something interesting that I recently said:
Me: gently mocking canadian culture is a surprisingly big pass-time in the usa
me: its sort of strange
me: its almost a way of americans to make fun of themselves
me: presenting an exaggeration of their isolationism
me: by saying 'those weirdos up north'
me: when they know perfectly well that theyre very similar
me: the reaction of a typical american to someone when he says he's canadian is a sort of amused, mild hostility, as if to say 'that's cheeky of you not to be american'
Really, I'm too lazy to put the effort into blogging for its own sake, so I cannibalize bbs posts and chat logs.
Poo.
I have a few minutes while my mom is off doing an errand, so I thought 'i may as well blog.' I'm going to meet some SDFers (really, probably just one SDFer) at a music/coffee/lounge venue tonight at 8, james is coming on the 20th for a few days, I have a meeting with a 'young and mindful' group on Saturday (which I'm not looking all that much forward do, especially after looking at their email addresses: yale.edu, gwmc.edu, a few personal domains, etc), and finally dinner with my dad and stepmom on Sunday.
I've been really depressed lately. I'm pretty sure it's depression, or something (even though I've argued that 'depression' is not meaningful as a causal illness-category and should be abandoned for more specific, descriptive terminology). I've been gaining weight lately, and I've been crying a lot. Moving often seems like a herculean effort, even to move my fingers to the keyboard to type a sentence. I've been watching a lot more tv, and writing/reading a lot less. I'm noticing pains all over my body: in my ribs, in my ankles, knees, head, neck and hips. I sort of feel like I'm dying. I should really think about whether I want to spend the next 50 years in decline.
As always, I didn't ask for your fucking opinion, voices in my head. What's interesting is that far more people experience voices in their head than usually talk about it, or that are even willing to admit it. As I've explained before, these aren't voices that I hear, but rather something more like intrusive thoughts. I imagine people saying things -- sometimes they're specific people, but most of the time they're composite creatures.
Hey, do I qualify for the position of 'tortured intellectual'? That'd be funny.
TACKER: barnacle SUBJECT: .. Science is just another religion DATE: 16-Aug-04 03:49:42 HOST: sverige ›its all based on faith. Axioms. ›the postulates of geometry are just the dogma of a certain church. yes, deduction is. But the cornerstone of science, induction (gathering information, drawing likely conclusions, and making likely predictions based on the observation of 'similar' phenomena) is the opposite of faith, if one can really polarize abstractions like these. ›old religions did not invent the atomic bomb. Science people talk all ›about how religion causes war. Well, science nearly brought the ›destruction of all life on the planet. Nice job science. people are the problem, not science or religion. They're naturally aggressive. 'progress' is a different beast than science. A lot of stuff has been ruined in the name of 'progress.' ideal science (which, of course, is only an ideal, kind of like communism -- it's an untestable model) is totally impartial, based on un-prejudiced observation, and purely concerned with adding to the sum of human knowledge. Admittedly, there's a lot of iffy 'science' going on. one can't really blame hiroshima and nagasaki on neils bohr and albert einstein -- by that logic, I can blame the hole in the ozone layer on the invention of cuneiform. hehe, maybe I will.
The SDF bulletin board has calmed down, and is back to 'q: how do I do boring computer thing x? A: you do it this way.' I like doing my writing there, because it gives people a chance to respond, and gives me a chance to respond to their responses. Also, I can just ignore and abandon it for weeks at a time without feeling guilty, unlike this blog.
I've written as much as I can. There just aren't any more words. I can't elaborate any further on the few central themes I keep coming back to. People have told me that they like it best when I tell stories about things that happened to me, as opposed to posit theory upon theory upon theory.
I'm tired of being this big, hairy, monstrous, unlovable thing. I wish I were a kid again. I just can't deal with being an adult.
I don't know what to do.