I was reading an article on the economy of africa, and it made me consider contemporary environmental neglect as a parallel situation to colonialism in the 19th century. The contemporary person, when reading about the colonialism of the 19th century, might be inclined to think 'boy, that's awful! If I'd been there, I would have opposed all of that.' and in fact, there probably were some people in the 19th century who did oppose all of that. Now, colonialism seem unconscionable -- just not something to be tolerated. However, colonialism didn't seem quite so unconscionable back in the 19th century. There were some people for it, some against it, and most who just didn't care. This last group is the segment to focus on. It just didn't seem like that pressing an issue to most. Sure, it was important, but how much did it really affect the average joe?
I was thinking about an analogous phenomenon -- an issue that while acknowledged as important really isn't taken that seriously -- in the 21st century, and I concluded that it is environmental preservation. Like colonialism in the 19th century, there are some who are concerned with it, some who think it's violation is justified, but the majority of people really don't care. In the 22nd and 23rd centuries, I predict that treating the planet the way we do now will seem like just as awful as colonialism does today. People in those future times will think to themselves, 'i can't possibly imagine not treating the planet as I myself would want to be treated. That is morally unconscionable,' similarly to the way we in the 21st century think of colonialism.
Colonialism is to 'now' as violation of the environment is to the future. Similarly, colonialism is to the past as violation of the environment is to 'now'.
My blogging has sort of sucked lately, but fuck it. I really don't care. I just read some of the most recent entries, and the language and ideas seem more confused. I find myself resorting to cliches and idiomatic phrases.
The truth is that I do enjoy having readers -- yesterday, I had 40. I don't quite understand why I have readers, though. This is a typical blog; it's essentially an altar to me, and provides no information relevant to anyone. I'm sort of puzzled as to why anyone would read it. I hear from many, many people that they dislike blogs. I dislike blogs. And yet, when I log onto otaku (an SDF machine) to grab my stats, I see that I have 10-50 readers a day. I wish there was a way to filter out the crawler bot hits without running reverse DNS or whois on every IP address. Crawlers probably constitute anywhere from 5-60% of my hits.
I wonder if the best way to keep genuine human readers around is by maximizing or minimizing profanity.
I went to see my HIRRS counselor today, and she asked me a question that I couldn't answer: 'if you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?' at first I thought that my inability to answer was due to some complex psychodynamic block or unwillingness to make a breakthrough (this is an employment counselor, actually, but she sort of crosses over into the touchy-feely). But when I got home and thought about it a bit, I realized that I don't know because there are just so many things. A more appropriate question might be 'if you could keep one feature of yourself while discarding all the others, what would that one feature be?'
The cynical answer to my counselor's question would be 'the numbers in my bank account.' however, I know this wasn't what she was looking for.
Really, the problem is that I have trouble picking just one thing to change; there are just too many. I'm also reasonably sure that she meant to include only those things that are theoretically changeable. So, things like 'the college I went to', 'my genetic code', and other violations of time/causality are probably off limits.
Actually, I think I'd probably choose my weight. I have a secret theory that if I was able to lose weight that all the other pieces of my life would drag themselves up out of the toilet and conglomerate. But, I think I heard this somewhere as 'one of the things obese people commonly believe,' so maybe it's best to throw that out right off. Really, I choose 'the numbers in my bank account.' I can't think of a better thing to change. Failing that, I want to be one of the super-thin. You know who I mean -- those people with a visible lattice-work of veins and tendons popping out of their neck at all times. This look, while sort of ghastly in women, is actually quite nice in men, I think, as long as they are blessed with thighs that are thicker than their kneecaps.
If I can't make myself rich or thin, then my next choice for 'one thing to change' is...i don't know. I really tried to think of it. I think the choice, and my inability to think of it, is related to an unforthcoming answer to a similar question: 'what is it that you really want?' again, I have no idea. Endorphins? Seratonin? Ice-water?
I'm still in ann arbor, but am planning to leave after lunch today. As of 10:20am, james and shoko are still asleep.
I feel a bit rotten about badmouthing lauren yesterday, but the truth is that there really isn't much positive to talk about. She was smart -- I guess that's something. But I'm also inclined to think that that smartness was the very thing that contributed to the cerebral aloofness, even coldness, that made her a fundamentally unsatisfactory girlfriend, and even friend. Nerdy girls, girls who are unrepentantly intellectually-oriented, are a bit unsettling to many men, who prefer their women to be warm, giving, nurturing, friendly and kind above all else. For the most part, my intuition tells me that men aren't too thrilled with cerebral, intellectual, geeky, emotionally unresponsive girls.
I think most men love smart girls, but when a girl is smart, but is only smart, this spells disaster, in most cases -- even if the girl is pretty (which lauren most certainly was). I have had a problem, with girlfriends, where they will suddenly appear really facially ugly from a certain angle and at a certain moment. I think this has to more with the moment than the angle, really. But I don't recall lauren ever losing her beauty, even for the usual split-second. I think this might have been because I was always trying to get more from her, stuck in a perpetual courtship. Many people's minds tend to work in such a way that everything that isn't given freely is further coveted. So, the miraculously ongoing beauty of lauren had, I'm sure, everything to do with this unfortunate 'grass is always greener' syndrome, where the patient feels that he wants only that which is withheld. Pathetic, really.
I'm hungry. Maybe I'll burst unannounced into the Chamber of Monogamy.
I remember that I'm driving my mom's car, and that I told her I'd be back tonight. So really, fantasies of extending my 'vacation' aren't realistic. I think short visits are nice, in their own way. At any rate, better too short than too long.
Just because I can, I am blogging from ann arbor. James is reading the newspaper, and shoko is working on some translations. All three of us are sitting quietly in the living room of an on-campus family housing unit. My visit with user:anime in cleveland was a lot of fun -- it's nice to get along well in person with an online friend. Anyway, I feel all self-conscious and weird, being out of my usual blogging environment (I'm in michigan, in the company of two people, and in a strange living room with a macintosh powerbook on my lap). Tomorrow, I'll head back. This was a short sojourn into the midwest, because I have to go to HIRRS for yet another ineffectual paperwork bonanza, and I'm also supposed to get my blood drawn. However, I don't remember the location of any labs.
The drive home tomorrow is going to be painful -- 9 hours across flat, light-brown ohio, western pennsylvania and finally Maryland. I'm going to head out after lunch, I think. Yuck.
In cleveland, I saw movies, ate, and hung out. In ann arbor, I did the same thing. It was a relaxed, pleasantly banal and adult-ish trip; it was also extremely short. Oh, also, I slept away some of the day-time in both cleveland and ann arbor. I'm afraid I'm going to have to heavily pepper my return journey with fast-food stops. Which reminds me: the earthen jar, a buffet-style indian restaurant in ann arbor, is the best I've ever eaten in. There are numerous bob marly posters on the walls, and the place kept reminding me of lauren, and how she would have really loved it, and more importantly how she would have made a point of raving loudly and incessantly about how she loved it for several hours. Back when I was 'dating' her, when she was 17, she had engineered a lust for anything hippyish -- her own carved-out adolescent wet dream of culture. I guess she's different now, in new jersey, but she's replaced that affected 'trippy, man', head-bobbing adolescence with just being a cold, cerebral bitch. It's probably a change for the worse.
Haha, I should do all of my exes.